My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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