first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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