Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
