The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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