You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
