Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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