mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
