All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize