Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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