I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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