The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So here I am, sexting at work.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
