Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
