apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
