Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
