you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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