Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
