So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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