it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
