Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
