Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
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