I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
