Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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