your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
