He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
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Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
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I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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