Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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