Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
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So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
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You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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