I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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