i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
