Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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