My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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