I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
