you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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