I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
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I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
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All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”