Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
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I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
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You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window