Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
