bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
