very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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