there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
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I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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