she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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