Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
