Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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