I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
