Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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