So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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