My underwear smells like fireworks.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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