i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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