I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I want to fling myself into the sun
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
