guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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