Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!