Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
