how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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