So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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