Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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