I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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